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ConanOBrien

  1. Weekend plans. 1. Take lawn chair to Hollywood Boulevard. 2. Yell at tourists who step on Janet Jackson’s star.
  2. Today is 4/20 and all of the potheads in my office are giggling. I don’t understand.
  3. “Glee” is making a special episode dedicated entirely to @LadyGaga. But in a way, isn’t every episode of “Glee” dedicated to Lady Gaga?
  4. It’s tough sharing a birthday with Kourtney Kardashian. Our friends never know which party to go to.
  5. Andy got me this for my birthday. How do I tell him my mom got me the same thing? http://bit.ly/fY34uW
  6. Eight more days of Lent, then it’s back to chocolate, bourbon, and Lady Boxing on Pay-Per-View.
  7. Doing a benefit tonight to help wipe out malaria, and you can help too @MalariaNoMore. Gout, you're next.
  8. Tom Waits is going to be the voice of an animated character in an upcoming film. The film is called “The Bunny Who Only Ate Fiberglass.”
  9. Dennis Quaid said his biggest mistake was cocaine. Or, as Randy Quaid calls it, "mistake #479."
  10. Hey, @mittromney busted me for having hair envy. Imagine how jealous I'll be if Trump runs.
  11. Great, Applebee’s starts serving toddlers alcohol and my kids gave up booze for Lent.
  12. Yesterday we had a bald eagle on the show. Oddly enough, he was in the country illegally.
  13. I tell people I split my lip in a fight. It's really because I went skiing without my Vanilla Bonne Bell gloss. http://bit.ly/ebk4q4
  14. If Trump runs for the White House, how will he decide between Gary Busey and Meatloaf for Vice President?
  15. Do you have any idea how many Americans think that the Ivory Coast conflict is soap-based?
  16. If the government shuts down, the IRS will be closed, according to my accountant, Wesley Snipes.
  17. A guy cut me off in traffic, and I called him a stupid f***. My kids asked what that meant, and I told them it means he can’t f***ing drive.
  18. Due to a tech snafu in Atlanta, my show did not air on the West Coast last night. We will re-air the Led Zeppelin reunion soon.
  19. Sorry, Twitter. I'm going to be unfaithful to you tonight. I'm liveblogging tonight's show on Facebook right now: http://on.fb.me/a0bUDj
  20. The federal government might shut down on Friday, which means on Saturday morning, this bad boy is gonna park his car in a loading zone.