Therapy would help daughter accept mom's disability

My husband of 40-plus years died suddenly, six months ago. My two adult daughters and grandchildren live an hour away.

I’m disabled with a genetic degenerative condition. I have very little upper body strength and my legs must be supported with Ankle-Foot Orthotics (AFOs).

I walk with difficulty using a walker, but still drive a car and, with outside help, live successfully in my house.

One daughter’s very supportive of this, but the other continuously berates me for this decision and wants me to move to a condo.

She criticizes my wearing clothes that hide my AFOs. She also refuses to help me with small tasks when she visits, because I “shouldn't be living here alone.”

She says she doesn't know how to deal with my disability.

She’s also had great difficulty dealing with my husband's death. I sometimes feel she resents that he’s gone, not me.

Can a therapist help her understand my need for independence and accept me as a human being with the same needs as anyone not disabled?

Needing Respect

Your daughter would benefit most from seeing a therapist on her own.

Her behaviour reflects personal fears.

Your condition’s genetic, with implications for her and her children. She likely has trouble dealing with this possibility.

Worrying about your ability to manage alone, only increases her personal anxiety.

Also, she’s still grieving, as are you all.

It’s too soon to make firm long-term decisions. Most grief experts say not to move for at least one year, if possible.

Tell her you’ll consider it later and would love to talk it out together, with professional guidance…. but later.

For now, you strongly believe she needs grief therapy on her own, where she can discuss her concerns about you as well.

Feedback: Regarding the girl dumped by her best friend (July 26):

Reader: “I’m a middle-school teacher with 24 years’ experience.

“This situation’s sadly common, as adolescence takes a major toll on young peoples’ bodies, minds, and emotions.

“If this girl’s trying too hard to restore the friendship, ignoring the other girl for awhile is good advice, as is talking to parents.

“But ignoring unkind treatment is more effective among adults… with adolescents, it can create the reverse effect.

“A mean adolescent will interpret being ignored as weakness, and an invitation to continue the unkindness.

“The mean girl must be told to be kind.

“The hurt girl must seek help from a trusted adult in the school.

“In early stages, mean behaviour can be curtailed with a sit-down chat with both girls plus the adult. Better to have an objective adult intervene, rather than parents.

“Having negotiated many of these situations, I always tell them I like them both and note many reasons why they could have a nice friendship.

“I give them hope to help them find a way to like each other again.

“But I also say that the unkind behaviour must stop immediately. (With two sides to a story, I treat them both as the offender and the victim.)

“No more insults. No more kicking. No more… whatever. I make it firm and clear that I need to know immediately if any more unkind treatment happens.

“Then I make sure to check in with both of them individually over the next few days.”

Ellie: Lucky adolescents who’ve had your wise and thoughtful help! Hopefully, there are many teachers like you for this age group. Parents should also help their child seek out such guides at their school.

Tip of the day

Adult children often bring their own fears to attitudes toward aging parents.