Counselling can help you forgive your cheating spouse: Ellie

I’m a man whose wife had an affair. For me, it didn’t matter that she did it through a dating site.

We went to counselling, and she voiced her “excuse” — which was that I was very distanced at the time due to dealing with a dying parent. It was true. And I forgave her.

I’m grateful that it was not a love affair with a co-worker or someone I know, which then would’ve been harder for both of us to get past.

I told her that I loved her and wanted to still be with her into our old age, and she cried and said she wanted the same.

We’ve been great ever since.

Made It Through

You took some of the steps that are absolutely necessary when trying to get past a spouse’s affair: Most important, you acknowledged that there were reasons she looked elsewhere.

You owned the fact of having contributed — albeit without intent — to her feeling lonely in the relationship.

And you did this in the presence of a professional counsellor who could help you both process the hurt, disappointment and tentative hopes you both felt.

Then you opened your heart to a new beginning for your marriage, as did your wife.

And it’s worked.

I’m having trouble dealing with the way I think about my girlfriend’s son. We’ve been living together for four years — first as roommates, so we each have our own room.

I get annoyed over stupid little things regarding her son.

I got a kitten two days ago, and he has his own cat. We keep mine in my room at night since his cat wanders nightly and we don’t want his to hurt mine.

My girlfriend sent me a text saying she told her son to sleep in my room so that my cat wouldn’t be alone. I instantly became annoyed and slightly angered, but I responded with OK.

I’m annoyed that he’s sleeping in the only place in the house that’s MINE. He wouldn’t want me sleeping in his room either. I felt invaded.

I sometimes also become annoyed when he asks me to take him to school, or asks favours of me when I’m not in the mood.

I realize that I’m being unfair. We’re trying to deal with his behaviour, which makes me cringe. He’s a liar, doesn’t listen and disobeys frequently.

He’s greedy, disrespectful and thinks the world revolves around him. He’s a normal teenager.

When I get annoyed I try to think of positive things about him because I don’t want to hate him. I actually care about him and love him.

He’s smart, nice, caring and funny. So how can I deal with this better, or what can I do? I feel like his behaviour sometimes doesn’t define who he really is.

Conflicted

The problem lies in your relationship with his mother, not the son.

You seem to lack an equal voice more than space. If you didn’t want her son in your room, you should’ve said so.

Or else you just resented her making the decision, instead of just suggesting it.

Meanwhile, all three of you have to discuss your situation as a couple and as a family.

Yes, a teenager needs to be understood as such, but with some boundaries. And you and your partner need to be clear about your role as… what? Stepmother? Housemate to both of them? Whatever it is, your place there has to be understood and respected, too.

Tip of the day

To get past an affair, both partners must acknowledge what needs to change.