‘Get off that penguin, we’re leaving’: Iowa dad Nathan Ripperger’s new book reveals ‘Things I’ve Said to My Children’

Ever find yourself blurting out something like “Don’t bite the lamp shade!” to your kids?

Yep, that happens.

Nathan Ripperger, a graphic designer based in Iowa, put together a collection of stories that highlight the silly things that children do, and that parents say to them, in a new book called Things I’ve Said to My Children.

The concept stemmed from his own experiences with his five boys, age 8 months old to 10 years, when a few years back he found himself spewing out strange sayings to his mischievous kids. He started writing them down on his phone or a notepad and later added illustrations to them. They blew up on Reddit; Ten Speed Press then approached him to write a book.

Today, that book is a collection of illustrations and sayings — either Ripperger’s or submissions from family and strangers — that he hopes remind parents they’re not alone in “the crazy absurdedness of parenting.”

What gave you the idea to write this book?

The ideas just came from parenting. You know, you’d say stuff and it just didn’t make any sense. Sometimes you just hear a phrase out of context and it sticks in your head and it’ll drive you crazy unless you can share it with somebody. So I said I’ll take these silly little things and make images out of them.

In the introduction, you talk about how parents might feel like they’re constantly saying, “Stop doing that.” Was there a message to this book? Was there anything deeper that you wanted to say to parents?

The big thing is for me is that you’re not alone in the crazy absurdness of parenting. I don’t know how many times people have told me that (they’ve said), “I’m not talking to you until you’re wearing underwear.” There are so many things that you wouldn’t think that it’d be a reoccurring problem. I wasn’t trying to make a statement but I think that’s a really good observation to take out of this — every kid is crazy. Every parent is dealing with their little piles of insanity, which are children. We’re all in this together so don’t feel like you got the weird kid because they’re all weird in their own way.

What are some of the examples of stories that have happened to you?

We were at a department store and it was my oldest son and I think he was probably 3 or 4 at the time. There was this oversized stuffed penguin that he was sitting on and jumping around on. And (I said), “We’ve gotta get outta here. Get off that penguin, we’re leaving.” That’s not a sentence that you should say, really, ever.

What about the honey on a kid’s head story?

That was my oldest son. I was just walking through the kitchen and I rubbed my younger son’s head and I was like, “What is this on my hand? Is this honey?” And then the older one was sitting on the counter with a thing of honey. I said, “Did you put honey on your brother’s head?”

Did he do it?

Yes! He was just putting little drops of honey on his head for no reason.

Did the younger one mind?

No, they’re accomplices. They like to get in trouble together.

What about the “I am not talking to you until you are wearing underwear” line?

That was my wife. I don’t know if it’s just little boys or what, but it seems like nakedness is a constant state that you’re always fighting (as a parent). I remember we were trying to leave and my son wanted to talk about something and she was just like “No, no, no. I’m not talking to you until you’re wearing underwear.”

Are there any other interesting stories?

We have a couple of nieces that are really close with us. One of (the stories) in the book is, “Are you putting the cat in the fire pit?” I think (my niece) was 9 or so. I was looking out the window and here she was struggling to put the cat in an unlit fire pit.

This interview has been edited and condensed.