The 5 types of summertime Instagram posts

Every summer, we lose our minds. We get psyched about trees and water and sand and tank tops, and we document our meals and drinks and celebrate the fact that we've congregated outside with people we know.

And then we post it all on Instagram.

This is all well and good until you realize we do it in very specific ways. Five ways, if we're being scientific (which I am because I take my social media analysis very seriously). And because I'd never horde my skills as a deep-diving Instagram voyeur, I've chosen to share my findings that none of us is original on the internet at all.

Behold.

1. Legs on the beach

Caption: [Various emojis]

What it means: The beach is where people go when it's hot, according to every TV show and movie I've seen. But nobody beaches like a person on Instagram, who must not only capture the beach, but must include their legs so as to prove they and the beach are one.

So: you want us to think you're a beach person. You want us, with your legs and your sunshine emoji, to think that if Blue Crush were casting in 2018, you would be a candidate for the role Kate Bosworth made famous. You want us to know that you're fine with heat exhaustion, and that at one point in your blessed life, you owned and wore a seashell necklace. You are relaxed. You are free-wheeling. You are on a towel and ignoring the number of seagulls valiantly trying to eat your potato chips. You are suffering from heat exhaustion, but no one can know that. You are hiding the fact that the sand and your sunscreen have made a type of thick paste.

2. Beautiful scenery

Caption: "Disgusting," "Awful," "Gross," etc.

What it means: God forbid any of us take you seriously. God forbid you enjoy your day, or your night, or the sight of a loon on a tranquil sea (I don't care if loons can't be found on tranquil seas). Snark is your currency and when you are thrown from its steady back, you are propelled towards sincere and honest beauty, which you find terrifying.

Thus, you are scared. Nature incites fear. Emotions trigger even more of it. So you attempt to squash. You caption your apathy as a means of proving that should the world end tomorrow, you wouldn't miss a precious thing. You'll be fine. You are fine. You don't need trees. The lake is weak. The sunset is a fraud. The moon is a coward. So you let us know. And we believe you because anyone reading this site has just done the same thing.

3. Drinks outside

Caption: "TGIF!" "The weekend begins now," "It's 5 p.m. somewhere!"

What it means: You are not drinking enough water. Also, it's time to find a new job, as in your heart, you are so sad and miserable.

4. The park

Caption: [Erroneous]

What it means: What do you want from us? Applause? You want applause? Well, congratulations: you are outside, you are watching strangers tightrope walk between trees, and the number of people who are not wearing shoes is enough to stage an impromptu revival of Newsies.

You're better than the indoors. We get it. You'd go rock climbing if the opportunity arose. You love activities, do not shun those brandishing acoustic guitars, and refuse to think about how much urine is on and/or near the patch of grass you are sitting on. You're not a beach person but you too shun the promise of sunburns and heat stroke. So you declare it loud and clear: you like the summer, more than I ever will, and at one point, you have played frisbee and told yourself it was fine.

5. Florals/flowers/trees/shrubs

Caption: "So pretty!" or: [Anything that infers your appreciation of lovely things]

What it means: In less than three months, everything beautiful will be dead. We know this. Nothing beautiful lasts and that's why we're all using Instagram to begin with. So you take that photo and you post it. And, as the leaves fall and the snow begins, you sleep soundly knowing that you can look back upon a time in which life flourished and you felt happiness.

Plus, you hate everything else about the summer. You hate the sand, and the park people, and the fact that sitting outside on a patio ensures that you will be eaten alive slowly by mosquitos. Where most mourn the summer amidst winter's gale-force winds, you mourn the days in which you didn't feel nauseous upon spending more than 20 minutes outdoors. Summer, to you, is a waste of time and space. It is an insult. It is an injury. But okay fine, the flowers are nice. And you like wearing shoes. And coats can be annoying.

But most important, your name is Anne T. Donahue.

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