Ways to discourage your airplane seatmate from striking up a conversation

When you're trapped in a claustrophobic steel machine for six hours with only Air Bud 9 and a tray of "food" to keep you company, there's really no need to worsen that experience by listening to some guy explain every detail of his CrossFit training regimen. However, how many of us actually possess the ability to tell a person to stop talking?!

Your best bet is to prevent it from even starting in the first place. Here are some easy ways to passive-aggressively send the message to your seatmate that there is no need to speak at any point, thanks.

1. Print out this fake book cover

This fake book cover for a fictional book entitled The Best Ways To Approach A Stranger When You Need To Borrow $5,000 easily slips over whatever book you're actually reading. "HEY!" it communicates to the seatmate instantly, "I WILL RUIN NOT JUST YOUR LIFE BUT YOUR FLIGHT, TOO."

Make these other fake book covers at home:

How To Stop Constantly Talking In A Terrible Austin Powers Accent Even Though It's 2018

The Thrilling Truth About Corporate Tax Rates And How To Talk To Anyone About This For Nine Hours With No Breaks

How To Convert Anyone To Scientology

2. Aggressively doodle Justin Bieber's name in a heart for the entire flight

Are you a grown adult of any gender? This will work. Pull down the meal tray and get out a fresh pad of paper and pen. Start small and modest, and graduate to enormous, elaborate hearts containing Justin's name in fanciful calligraphy. Press HARD into the paper. HARDER. Rip holes in it with your pen. Do not stop until you've landed.

3. Chew dramatically for the entire flight

People understand that they cannot reasonably expect you to talk while you're chewing. If they try, you can point to your mouth, which is busily chewing, smile, and shrug. In normal life, this buys you about 20 seconds of not having to talk. So why not keep it going for all six hours of the flight? Pack a few of those Big League Chews, or stuff your mouth with numerous chestnuts. Do not stop chewing. Your seatmate will sympathize and leave you alone.

4. Surround yourself with a fortress of hundreds of dolls

Is it worth it to pay an extra baggage fee for a peaceful, small talk–free flight? You bet your tiny boots. Simply bring a garbage bag of 300 dolls onto the plane, and spend the flight neatly stacking them in a "privacy pyramid" atop the armrest, the meal tray, and wherever else they will balance. You are setting some clear boundaries while communicating to your seatmate that you are a terrifying individual with multiple dark secrets.

5. Arrive on the plane dressed as a mime

White face paint, striped shirt, the works. Mime is your one true calling and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Sorry. Once you arrive in the airport, ditch the costume in the bathroom and blab to your heart's content. Try to make sure your seatmate isn't in the bathroom to witness this. But actually, it's kind of hilarious if he does.

Don't miss anything from CBC Comedy - like us on Facebook and Instagram.